The holidays can be a financial drain for all of us. But there are lots of ways to save money on your seasonal celebrations. Read on for our (completely ridiculous) cash-saving Christmas tips.

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Decorations

Golf balls are excellent snowball-like bauble substitutes. Garlands can also be fashioned from chains of knotted clothing (reds and greens recommended). And a glitter-covered traffic cone makes a delightfully quirky tree-topper. No poinsettias? Transform existing houseplants with a generous application of red spray paint.

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Christmas pudding

No one ever eats this, so a money-saving alternative only needs to look the part. Collect elephant dung from your local zoo, shape it in a large bowl at home and garnish with a sprig of holly. On the big day, avoid the tradition of lighting the pudding, since this will almost certainly give the game away.

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Gifts

Children up to the age of 25 will be happy with an empty cardboard box. A partner can be festively placated with a tailor-made gift coupon (five hours of foot rubs or your guaranteed absence for a specified period of time, for example). And when it comes to forgetful seniors, simply take something from their closet and wrap it as a new gift­­.

 

Mince pies

Using a broad straw, suck the insides from six individual apple pies. Combine baked beans and diced shoe leather to create your new filling, adding soy sauce for colour. Deploy the same straw (rinsed) to re-inject the pies with your piquant flavour explosion.

 

Turkey

Under cover of darkness, bag a Canada Goose from your local park as a delicious, if feisty, turkey alternative. Ducks are also typically available for smaller gatherings. Dining alone on the big day? A pan-fried chickadee, traditional symbol of the holidays in some parts of the US, is ideal.

 

Christmas tree

Why does it have to be evergreen? It doesn't. On your goose-rustling park visit, snag a leafless sapling of suitable height for your living room. Oaks, elms or chestnuts are often obtainable, and you can add an excess of homemade decorations to cover the total absence of foliage.

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Drinks

A snifter of port is a welcome treat as you settle down after dinner on the big day. But it looks exactly the same as cold tea when it’s in the glass. Add Listerine to approximate a boozy aroma plus lots of cinnamon to mask any unpleasant flavour notes. Include a stilton-like ‘cheese’ plate of moldy Crisco on a side table for the full effect.

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Gingerbread house

Construct this from Lego, then shellac the whole thing with a mix of flour and brown sugar. Before it dries, add colourful TUMS tablets as roof shingles and outline doors and windows with festive-red Advil pills. Handily, these medications can also be pried off and used when needed throughout the holiday period.